Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
