At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
