I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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