You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
