dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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