a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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