so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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