eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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