One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
