I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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