I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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