Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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