We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
