Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
