I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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