don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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