when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
