Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
