so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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