and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
