so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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