You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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