Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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