Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
