I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just want nice things and good sex
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
