JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Im part way to drunk.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
