where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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