Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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