I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I know her cup size but not her name....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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