moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
