i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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