I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
