my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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