I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
