every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know her cup size but not her name....
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