P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
