also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize