Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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