Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
