I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
