if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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