Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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