dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
