I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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