see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
