Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She's the barista slut.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
