gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize