dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just forgot I was standing up.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
