I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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