I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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