She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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