i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
