highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
