I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
